Baby or Barbados
6 Quick Choices • ~2 Minutes • 200+ Lifestyle Casualties

Baby or Barbados? The Child Cost Calculator — Could your hypothetical child have been something else entirely?

A dryly irresponsible calculator that shuffles the staggering costs of UK parenthood into V12 sports cars, luxury travel, and silent Sunday mornings.

6 Decisions:1. Childcare➔2. Schooling➔3. Music➔4. Hobbies➔5. Holidays➔6. Car / Big Moments
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Configure your hypothetical offspring

Number of Sprogs
12,500 PINTS OF PREMIUM LAGER•1.4 V12 SPORTS CARS•25 YEARS OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP•850 AFTERNOON TEAS AT THE RITZ•320 COCKTAILS ON THE BEACH•15 LUXURY TRIPS TO BARBADOS•22,000 AVOCADO TOASTS•95 LUXURY SPA WEEKENDS•2,500 WEEKEND GOLF ROUNDS•4,200 ROUNDS OF PUB DRINKS•12,500 PINTS OF PREMIUM LAGER•1.4 V12 SPORTS CARS•25 YEARS OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP•850 AFTERNOON TEAS AT THE RITZ•320 COCKTAILS ON THE BEACH•15 LUXURY TRIPS TO BARBADOS•22,000 AVOCADO TOASTS•95 LUXURY SPA WEEKENDS•2,500 WEEKEND GOLF ROUNDS•4,200 ROUNDS OF PUB DRINKS•

How it works (and why it hurts a little)

1

Change a selector

Tweak any of the 12 choices to reflect your real-life chaos.

2

Watch the total update

We crunch the numbers in real time. Brutally.

3

Shuffle more alternatives

Our deck of 200+ outcomes serves up three at a time.

4

Share the one that hurts most

For debates, accountability or just a bit of perspective.

Frequently asked questions

See all questions →
Is this financial advice?

No. This is a joke calculator. The figures are illustrative estimates, not actuarial projections. Please do not make major life decisions based on a website called Baby or Barbados.

Are the figures exact?

They are not. The cost of raising a child varies enormously depending on choices, location, circumstances and what year your child decides they absolutely must do competitive equestrian. Treat every number as a rough order of magnitude.

Does this include lost earnings?

No. Accounting for reduced working hours, career breaks and the economic impact of school runs would make the figures considerably worse. We felt that was unnecessary.

Can I select more than one child?

Yes. The child count selector goes up to four or more. A sibling economy factor is applied: subsequent children cost somewhat less than the first, because of hand-me-downs, shared bedrooms and the general collapse of your ambitions.

Why Barbados?

Barbados is the canonical British aspirational holiday. It is expensive enough to be a meaningful comparison, specific enough to be funny, and warm enough to be genuinely appealing in February. It is also not Barbados's fault that any of this happened.

More questions answered in the methodology section. Obviously not financial advice.

Want the full breakdown?

Read our complete guide to the cost of raising a child in the UK — childcare costs, school fees, regional differences and more, all in one place.

Read the guide →